Pulling The Plug
Published 1 year, 3 months ago in My life.- This is a rough draft of part of introduction to a novel I have been working on, please tell me what you think. You guys are a very creative community. Please note it is a little dark, as is a lot of my work. Cheers -Wire -
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‘Pulling the plug’ is commonly used as a metaphor for abandoning a situation that has become useless or unrecoverable. But when you are literally staring at a powerpoint in a hospital room its true origins are much more significant.
You see, when faced with a decision such as the neurons in your brain all start firing different messages, some tell you ‘that’s murder!’ some advise you that it is merciful.
And I guess it is a little bit of both, you are giving up hope for saving this person. Losing faith in the hospital system for turning the situation around.
Dr. Masterson’s expression was stony, like he had just been dealt a winning hand of texas holdem and there was no way in hell he was letting on, beside him the nurse nervously clicked a ballpoint pen and watched the son proceed with what he had decided.
‘She won’t feel anything, right?’ he questioned without looking away from the socket.
‘I can assure you she is in a chemically induced coma… there will be no pain experienced’ the doctor receited, it’s obvious he has been in this situation before.
The Son swallowed and looked over at the body lying on the bed, a mess of wires and tubes hiding the frail figure of the lady who raised him. Why she was in this situation seemed of little to no consequence at this point.
It’s not like she was a rampaging bitch or anything, but to the Son it felt like the teenage angst that most kids go through he never actually grew out of. And being an only child only amplified the helplessness of this situation, at least if he had a brother or a sister maybe he would not have to be the one to flick the switch. He could pass off responsibility to another. Procrastinate until somebody else solved his problems for him.
‘If you prefer, I can have one of the orderl…’ The Doctor was cut off mid sentence.
‘No… this was her wish, I need to do this’
The doctor slipped a document into a file he was holding and tucked his pen into his pocket, staring intensely down at the man kneeling next to the socket.
The son took a deep breath and focused all his strength into four words and a motion.
‘I love you mom…’ he whispered.
He reached out and in one swift, brutal flick of his finger, killed his mother.
16 Responses to “Pulling The Plug”
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No need to explan pulling the plug, it talks too much, and doesn’t immediately grab the readers attention.
First line,paragraph, is what motivates the reader to read on. Try-
It’s time to pull the plug.
What if that plug was connected to a life support machine?
From here, i would go straight to Dr Mastersons… (for baby boomers, we will all think of Bat Masterson an old time western cowboy movie hero.
The rest is brilliant. Punchy, urgent, and well described.
for what it is worth, never talk to the reader, and if something can be cut out, and it still tells the story, then cut it out. More is less.
well done
cheerio
john
I agree with Shadow - the first three para’s are a little superfluous and have an “exposition” feel to them that doesn’t sit with well with the rest of the piece. If you don’t want to loose them entirely, I feel that they would be more effective if integrated into the Son’s thought processes which would add to the fluidity of the whole.
Overall I am intrigued enough to want to read more. Nice work.
PS
I find it a little strange that the Son is kneeling on the floor to flick the switch, although never having been in this situation I don’t know what the usual procedure is.
Hey Guys
The ‘talking to the audience’ at the start of the peice is a common theme throughout all my writing, if you have ever seen chuck palanuik’s work (Fight Club, Choke) its done in a very cinematic way. But maybe your right not to bombard the audience with it right away.
I guess a lot of people might not like it, but its the cinematic style im going for. Its going to be very hard to cut it out haha.. i’ll post some mroe and you will see what i mean. I guess i could cut the fat a bit.
The plug is connected to a life support machine.
You think a name change for the doctor? or is the cowboy thing kind of cool?
The kneeling on the floor is more of a ‘cinematopgraphy’ peice. Maybe i need to explain it a little more. The usual proceedure would be the doctors doing It I imagine but I wanted to add a plot point where he thinks he ‘killed’ his mother.
lady Chaos has been helping me edit this as well.
Thankyou so much guys, anything else?
Great intro - I want to read more too. And agree with beginning with Dr Masterson. I think Golden is right - if you want to keep some of the first three pars they could be incorporated into the son’s thoughts as he reaches towards that switch and into the enormity of what he is going to do.
Thanks for sharing!
Yes, but where does it go from here? Do you have a storyline? It needs work; think of the point of view. Who is telling the story? Through whose eyes are we seeing events unfold? Cut out the cliches. But keep writing - it’s a joyful thing to do even if the rewards are scant, hard to come by and rserved for the very few.
And thanks, Gadfly, for at last using enormity in its correct sense.
Thanks Gad, I will be posting heaps more little snippets from my writing as I progress. And will eventually make the full thing available if needed.
I will try and keep the narration to a minimum because as much as i’d liek it to be , a novel is not a film. And i need to grasp the audience.
Cheers
Maybe you should be writing a film script. It reads very well as a script.
I have no problem with narration - I just don’t think you have it in the right place. It isn’t quite punchy enought to start the novel with.
To break it down very simply.
The story is about a man who ‘feels alive’ after surviving near death experences. Its rather complicated but I will try and post some more snippets that give the idea. A lot of it is rather violetn and probably unsafe for nook consumption!
The storyline is from a omnipresent invisable narrator who is like a dialogue inside the main characters head, see ‘Scrubs’ or once again Fight Club.
I love writing, and a lot more will come
Thanks Bomo!
Funny you say that Golden, It was originally going to be a film script. But lacking the funding, and knowing a feature film from unknown writers go nowhere i submitted to a novel. hmmm…
Ahh, I want to be a filmaker!
Ummmmmm
Wiretap I need to say this - I hope it makes a difference to you.
If you want to be a filmmaker then you need to be a filmmaker. If you want to write a film script - then you need to write a film script.
If you compromise what you want then the very best you will achieve is a compromise of what you want.
Try not to let something as trivial as lack of money come between you and your dream. If you do then you don’t really want it very badly.
There are plenty of channels through which unknown writers can have their work appraised and dveloped. There are plenty of ways that you can raise funds for your project- even if it is self -funded and takes 20 years.
If you write a novel wishing it was a film script, I think you are doing a great disservice to your novel, to your dream and to your integrity as an artist.
So what if the chances of it getting made are slim, the chances of it getting made if you don’t write it are way slimmer!
Do it Do it Do it!
Best of luck
Golden1
PS
The chances of getting a novel by an unknown writer published are probably equally slim - so you may as well put the energy into something you really want.
pps
Have just re-read it and really think it is a better script than novel.
(I am a director so I know a little bit about scripts if that’s any help to you.)
This bought back a lot of memories……And youve written this with such interest. Yes, I agree it needs tweaking…………..and then let us re read it. You know of course, as a rule people dont instantly die the minute the plug is pulled ???
i studied screenwriting as part of a diploma. Hhhhmh. It seems to take the fun out of writing. For me, i think i would be happy writing my novel- with a view to adapting it to a screen play, but let someone (properly briefed of course) do all the tedious plotting and stuff.
Then again, i could be wrong…
john
So how far has this novel got? 5000 words? 10,000? How many? I think the extent to which you have kept going and sustained the story beyond the brief intro we have been given might provide some indication of whether to proceed, and in hat direction. But, as others have said, you’ve got to want to - and if you want to, you’ll do it. From experience, I can tell you the easy part is writing - the hardest part is the selling and marketing (i.e. finding someone to take it seriously - publisher or agent).
I agree with the others, you have to reduce the superfluosity to a minimum whilst still getting the essentials across. How about:
Pulling The Plug
“Bye Mum.”
Click !
Neat, succinct and to the point but. naturally, not without a certain underlying pathos, as I’m sure you’ll agree. No doubt some misinformed cynics will find it brutally minimalist but the real craft of writing is to engage the reader’s imagination, which I think this short story does to the fullest possible extent.
… ahhh ‘golden1′ you’re golden. the topic is interesting and worthwhile exploring. life and death is always intriguing, because we hardly die more than once. here is an interesting site to examine http://www.yourchoiceindying.com/ by guess who? …